Mixed Emotions this Christmas

I've been feeling a little sad lately. I really wanted Markos home with us before Christmas. I wanted to see his face light up like my other kids' faces when he walked down the stairs Christmas morning. I wanted to see his eyes twinkle as he looks at the lights and trees and decorations galore. But, he won't be here. He'll be in an orphanage on the other side of the world, not celebrating Christmas on December 25th. They celebrate Ethiopian Christmas on January 7th. I'm not sure how much or what celebrating they do in the orphanage, if any.

I'm glad I did the majority of our Christmas shopping before we went to Ethiopia at the end of November, because after seeing the things that I saw there, it's been hard to go out and shop. Hard to literally wrack my brain to think of something, anything to buy for people. Things that they don't need, might not like, might not even use. Why am I buying this STUFF?!

It's been hard to keep fielding the questions, "what do you want for Christmas?", "what do the kids need for Christmas?". NOTHING!! Seriously, the answer is nothing. They NEED nothing. I NEED nothing. I want nothing. How could I want for more after seeing the extreme poverty in Ethiopia. We've got what we NEED: food, water, a place to live, safety, health, access to medical care. Half a world away, there are millions of people who don't even have these basics. That's what I want for Christmas, for them to have the basics. And for my son to be home with us so he can have the basics and so much more.

Attachment - Post 2 - What is it and why is it a big deal?

Attachment is a special form of emotional relationship between a child and a significant person or persons. Attachment involves mutuality, comfort, and safety for both individuals in the relationship. Bonding is any activity, action or behavior that helps establish or maintain a relationship. Attachment develops after repeated experiences of an infant having their needs met by a loving, reliable caregiver who is emotionally attuned to the infant’s needs.

With our biological children, this process began in the womb and continued as soon as they were born. They would cry. We would jump. If their diaper was wet, we would change them. If they were hungry, I would nurse them. If they cried, we would comfort and attempt to soothe them. With orphaned children, however, this process is interrupted somewhere along the line. In an orphanage, they cry but no one responds. When they were hungry, there was not always food to feed them. When they cried, their momma or daddy wasn't there to comfort them. You get the point.

Because these adopted children have not developed this trust, this security, this feeling of safety, they are affected socially, emotionally, psychologically, and biologically. When they join their new forever family, regardless of their age at adoption, a parenting style that promotes attachment and fosters lifelong bonds must be embraced. This is done by the new parents becoming the child’s primary providers, especially during the transition period.

The child must learn that when they have a need, their new mommy or daddy will meet it. When they are hurt, their new mommy or daddy will care and will help them. When they are hungry, their new mommy or daddy will give them food. When they are scared, they can trust their new mommy or daddy to keep them safe. This takes time. It takes effort.

The parent needs to meet their child’s physical and emotional needs as much as possible. Food should be associated with comfort, so parents are instructed not to stop bottle-feeding or encourage independent feeding. Instead, it is advised that they “regress” the child. If adopting a young toddler, they are encouraged to go back to bottle feeding. If adopting an older toddler, to hold the child in their lap and feed them by hand. Allowing the child to sleep in their parent’s bed, sleeping in the child’s room with them, or putting their mattress in the parent’s room, until he feels safe at night is encouraged. Carrying the child, holding hands, or baby-wearing - anything that promotes closeness and bonding - is recommended. Essentially, in every way possible, as often as possible, the new parents should meet the child’s needs so that the child will learn to trust in this new relationship.

Because many orphans have been in situations where they have had many different caregivers, they learn to indiscriminately seek care from whatever adults happen to be around. They will “shop” for a new family - smiling and seeking attention from whoever happens to be near. Because of this, it is advised that visitors are restricted during the initial transition time. Additionally, physical contact will be limited and indiscriminate friendliness will be discouraged. For the most part, hugs and kisses will need to be reserved for mommy, daddy, sister and brother at first.

We know that when this cute little boy of ours smiles and holds his arms out for Grammy or Pappy or Nannie or some visiting friend to pick him up and hold him, they will melt and want nothing more than to snatch that little cutie up and snuggle him. But, this can be damaging to the bond that we, as his parents, will be trying to develop. If Markos falls and bumps his knee, we need to be the ones to hold him and comfort him, to bandage the scrape, and kiss the boo-boo. If he is hungry or thirsty, he needs to know that we will provide for him.

This will not be forever, just until attachments are formed. Once the immediate relationships are built within our home, expanding concentric circles of relationships will extend out from our family unit. Grandparents, cousins, aunt & uncle.....close friends and other relatives....other friends and neighbors. Again, you get the idea.

We know you’ll all love Markos and want to come visit - much like when Mackenzie and Daniel were born. But, understand that this situation will be different, so please don't be offended if we politely ask you to keep your visit short, if we won't allow you to give Markos food or to pick him up or hold him when you visit. It won't be forever. Rest assured, someday in the future, I'll be asking you to babysit. :-)

Attachment - What you need to understand

Although we don't have "official" travel notice yet, the countdown is on. There is still a chance that we could receive word on Monday or Tuesday that we have been submitted for the December 28th embassy appointment. That is very unlikely, but it could happen. The 1st embassy appointment in January has definitely been canceled due to Ethiopian Christmas. So, the most likely case is that we will leave on or around January 19th to travel for the January 25th embassy appointment, returning to the US with Markos on my 40th birthday! What an amazing birthday present! In that case, we leave in 39 days to go pick up our son. In the meantime, there are things that our friends and family need to understand. Things about our son. Things about our parenting him. Things that are DIFFERENT from what you know about "good parenting practices" and that are different from how we parent Mackenzie and Daniel. I know that you're all in the midst of busy Christmas preparations, so I am hoping to just post a few short posts that you will have time to read over the next few weeks before we bring Markos home. This is the first. To get you thinking about what Markos will be going through/have gone through, please read the following story. A Different Perspective Immense Loss; Walk a Mile in Baby’s Booties Imagine for a moment… You have met the person you've dreamed about all your life. He has every quality that you desire in a spouse. You plan for the wedding, enjoying every free moment with your fiancée. You love his touch, his smell, the way he looks into your eyes. For the first time in your life, you understand what is meant by "soul mate," for this person understands you in a way that no one else does. Your heart beats in rhythm with his. Your emotions are intimately tied to his every joy, his every sorrow. The wedding comes. It is a happy celebration, but the best part is that you are finally the wife of this wonderful man. You fall asleep that night, exhausted from the day's events, but relaxed and joyful in the knowledge that you are next to the person who loves you more than anyone in the world…the person who will be with you for the rest of your life. The next morning you wake up, nestled in your partner's arms. You open your eyes and immediately look for his face. But IT'S NOT HIM! You are in the arms of another man. You recoil in horror. Who is this man? Where is your beloved? You ask questions of the new man, but it quickly becomes apparent that he doesn't understand you. You search every room in the house, calling and calling for your husband. The new guy follows you around, trying to hug you, pat you on the back,...even trying to stroke your arm, acting like everything is okay. But you know that nothing is okay. Your beloved is gone. Where is he? Will he return? When? What has happened to him? Weeks pass. You cry and cry over the loss of your beloved. Sometimes you ache silently, in shock over what has happened. The new guy tries to comfort you. You appreciate his attempts, but he doesn't speak your language-either verbally or emotionally. He doesn't seem to realize the terrible thing that has happened...that your sweetheart is gone. You find it difficult to sleep. The new guy tries to comfort you at bedtime with soft words and gentle touches, but you avoid him, preferring to sleep alone, away from him and any intimate words or contact. Months later, you still ache for your beloved, but gradually you are learning to trust this new guy. He's finally learned that you like your coffee black, not doctored up with cream and sugar. Although you still don't understand his bedtime songs, you like the lilt of his voice and take some comfort in it. More time passes. One morning, you wake up to find a full suitcase sitting next to the front door. You try to ask him about it, but he just takes you by the hand and leads you to the car. You drive and drive and drive. Nothing is familiar. Where are you? Where is he taking you? You pull up to a large building. He leads you to an elevator and up to a room filled with people. Many are crying. Some are ecstatic with joy. You are confused. And worried. The man leads you over to the corner. Another man opens his arms and sweeps you up in an embrace. He rubs your back and kisses your cheeks, obviously thrilled to see you. You are anything but thrilled to see him. Who in the world is he? Where is your beloved? You reach for the man who brought you, but he just smiles (although he seems to be tearing up, which concerns you), pats you on the back, and puts your hand in the hands of the new guy. The new guy picks up your suitcase and leads you to the door. The familiar face starts openly crying, waving and waving as the elevator doors close on you and the new guy. The new guy drives you to an airport and you follow him, not knowing what else to do. Sometimes you cry, but then the new guy tries to make you smile, so you grin back, wanting to "get along." You board a plane. The flight is long. You sleep a lot, wanting to mentally escape from the situation. Hours later, the plane touches down. The new guy is very excited and leads you into the airport where dozens of people are there to greet you. Light bulbs flash as your photo is taken again and again. The new guy takes you to another guy who hugs you. Who is this one? You smile at him. Then you are taken to another man who pats your back and kisses your cheek. Then yet another fellow gives you a big hug and messes your hair. Finally, someone (which guy is this?) pulls you into his arms with the biggest hug you've ever had. He kisses you all over your cheeks and croons to you in some language you've never heard before. He leads you to a car and drives you to another location. Everything here looks different. The climate is not what you're used to. The smells are strange. Nothing tastes familiar, except for the black coffee. You wonder if someone told him that you like your coffee black. You find it nearly impossible to sleep. Sometimes you lie in bed for hours, staring into the blackness, furious with your husband for leaving you, yet aching from the loss. The new guy checks on you. He seems concerned and tries to comfort you with soft words and a mug of warm milk. You turn away, pretending to go to sleep. People come to the house. You can feel the anxiety start to bubble over as you look into the faces of all the new people. You tightly grasp the new guy's hand. He pulls you closer. People smile and nudge one other, marveling at how quickly you've fallen in love. Strangers reach for you, wanting to be a part of the happiness. Each time a man hugs you, you wonder if he will be the one to take you away. Just in case, you keep your suitcase packed and ready. Although the man at this house is nice and you're hanging on for dear life, you've learned from experience that men come and go, so you just wait in expectation for the next one to come along. Each morning, the new guy hands you a cup of coffee and looks at you expectantly. A couple of times the pain and anger for your husband is so great that you lash out, sending hot coffee across the room, causing the new guy to yelp in pain. He just looks at you, bewildered. But most of the time you calmly take the cup. You give him a smile. And wait. And wait. And wait. --Written by Cynthia Hockman-Chupp, analogy courtesy of Dr. Kali Miller

Very Powerful - Please watch

Ready to Get Off This Crazy Ride!

Wow! This is one crazy ride - this International Adoption thing! (and more often than not, my face has looked like Daniel's in the above picture!!)

On November 22nd, we went to court and were told, "Markos is yours." Awesome!

On November 28th, we heard rumors that there were troubles with licensing renewals of the orphanages in the Southern Region of Ethiopia. Very scary!

On December 1st, we received official word from our agency that there were, in fact, delays and that we would be affected, that nothing would be able to proceed with our adoption (or most other people's either) until after license renewals were complete AT THE END OF DECEMBER! Frustrating and upsetting!

On December 2nd, we heard news that another Holt families' referred baby daughter got sick and passed away in Ethiopia before they had a chance to meet her or hold her. Heart-breaking!

This morning, we officially received word that the orphanage license had been renewed already!! So surprising and exciting!

Then, this afternoon, we heard from two Holt families that are just returning from their court dates. Both of their babies -- one boy and one girl -- were hospitalized while they were there and remain in the hospital. So sad for them!

This is why the waiting is exhausting. The 'ups' and 'downs' seem extreme when they're all beyond your control, when there's nothing you can do, and when you're so far away. But our God is faithful and I'm trying hard to trust Him more and more.

To trust Him to care for Markos when we can't.

To trust Him to strengthen friends who are also on this journey when their 'downs' come.

To trust Him to work out every detail, to oversee the paperwork, to plan the perfect timing.

To trust Him to grow my faith so that I can trust Him.

In the ups and in the downs.

Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good;
his love endures forever.
Psalm 107:1

WHAT?!! Are. You. Kidding. Me!?!

I am very, very frustrated right now. I know this is all in God's time, I really do. And, I know that His timing is perfect. But, I am still very frustrated and trying hard to remain calm and not get too upset.

When we were just home from Ethiopia, I received an email from another family who was in Ethiopia for court. She was asking for prayers because they did not pass court. Seems that there was some issue with the orphanages' license expiring a few days before her court date. I felt terrible for the families that were affected because I just couldn't imagine walking out of that court room and not having heard those words, "Markos is yours."

Now, information has finally made it's way from Holt to all of us parents in process and here's the deal. The intake orphanages that Holt uses (they do not run the orphanages, they help to 'support' them so as to avoid any conflicts of interest) are primarily in the Southern region of Ethiopia. Their licenses were set to expire so they were in the process of renewing their license, however, the Southern region decided to do a mass internal audit of all the orphanages in the area and is refusing to renew any licenses until the process is complete.

Holt assures us that they do not foresee any problems with the license renewal, it's just a matter of time, waiting for the government to finish the audits. However, until the license is renewed, the judge is refusing to issue any court decrees. So, despite the fact that the orphanage still had a license when we went to court and the fact that the judge declared that Markos was ours, because it usually takes a week or so for the official decree to be issued, we are now stuck in the mess waiting along with all the other families.

I know - I don't get it either. As Eric said, "what part of 'Markos is yours' don't they understand?"

I just can't believe that we received our referral on June 11th and we possibly won't bring him home until February! That's 8 months! I shouldn't complain too much because I know there are families who went to court a few days ahead of us who are now also caught up in this mess who have been waiting even longer. It just stinks that we were caught in the change from 1 trip to 2 trips, then we were caught in the LONG court closures, now this!!! Come. On!

Anyway, sorry for the downer post after all my excitement about our trip. Maybe that's why this is hitting me so hard. I was on such a high after our trip, and now I've been knocked all the way back down, lower than I was before.

Please pray that the orphanage license is renewed as quickly as possible so that we can proceed with getting Markos home. I hate thinking that we left there saying that we would be back for him as soon as we could, and now it might be 3 months before we can get back to him! That's a long time for a 4 year old to wait and understand that we ARE coming!

Court Trip - Post 10 - A LONG Trip Home

Our first flight from Ethiopia to Frankfort, Germany was pretty uneventful. Eric and I were both starting to feel kind of rough, but we thought we were just tired. After all, we had left Ethiopia at 11:25 PM and landed in Frankfort very early in the morning. We had about a 4 hour lay-over, so we found the McDonalds that we had seen on the way over to ET and parked ourselves at a comfy table (comfy might be a bit of an over-statement, but it was the best we could find!). Eric played games on his phone and I journaled some about our trip.

We were so confused from all the time changes, that we rarely knew what time it was during the entire trip. This stop was no exception. However, at one point, I went to walk around and looked at the departure board. The local time was listed so I knew that we had two hours left to wait. When I went back into McDonalds, Eric snapped out of his game-induced trance and said, "what time is it?! We still need to get our boarding passes." I assured him that we had 2 hours, but he wasn't convinced. He gathered up our stuff and started hustling us through the airport. As we hurried, an announcement came over the PA system that we needed to report to our gate. He was further convinced that he was right and we needed to hurry. I was confused (and annoyed) because I knew we had 2 hours. When we arrived at our gate, there was a line forming to get boarding passes, while FIVE extra security people were standing at a separate counter next to the line we were in.

What in the world?! We were only about 10 people back in the line and it took us 50 minutes to get our boarding passes. When we were at the counter, they quizzed us about our bags and our trip. They got on the computer and tracked down exactly where our bags were. (at least we knew THEY knew where they were!) While we were in that line, they continued to make announcements about the "extra document check" at our gate. Hmmmm. Eric has traveled internationally a LOT, and he said he has never seen that before. We listened as they grilled people about their passports, their tickets, how much money they had, why they wanted to go to Canada, how much they paid for their tickets, why they hadn't booked a return flight. On another day, I might have been nervous, but this day, I was just annoyed and tired. "GREAT! Just what we need, another line to stand in! I just want to sit down!!" Eric was getting annoyed with my crappy attitude and I was already annoyed with him booking through the airport and not believing me that I knew what time it was! ;-) Yep, it was time to be home!

It seemed that there were a majority of people on the flight who were from other countries. There were two men who were traveling from some African nations who were really questioned. They were allowed on the flight, but were pulled aside again when we arrived in Canada. There was another man from Bosnia or Estonia - we were a little fuzzy by then. They really, really grilled that guy. They asked him about his English, he said he spoke whatever other language. They pulled out his papers and started asking him about the information on it, "what is this number?". "My driver's license number", the guy answered. "Read this to us," they commanded. He seemed to struggle to read the information on his form, written in whatever other language. Another security person came over. The guy said something that I didn't catch. They pulled out a piece of paper, "well, then, write the letter D". On and on this went. We did not see him board the plane and did not see him again after we moved up and he was still being questioned.

We have no idea what the deal was with the extra security and added "document check", but we figure that the poor flight attendant's were already on guard and aware of whatever the situation was so they were probably THRILLED when Eric got sick mid-flight and I informed them that it was ok, that we were just returning from Africa and I was sure it was something that he ate. :-)

We were sitting in a 3 seat row. Of course, some guy we didn't know had the aisle seat. Eric had the window seat and I was in the middle. He started to give me 'the look' -- the 'uh oh, this isn't going to be good' look. Then, he started to sweat, then shiver. I kept looking at him and saying, "do you want out?", "are you sure?", "maybe you should go to the bathroom". He just sat, motionless. Finally, when it was inevitable that he was going to throw up, we got out and just stood in the bulkhead area. Problem was that it was a BIG plane so there was still a whole big section of plane behind us and we were kind of 'on display' where we were. Eric was standing there with a hoodie on, with the hood pulled up over his head and his barf bag in his hand, but there was always a line for the bathrooms and he didn't want to just go in there and hang out waiting. I went back to talk to the stewardess to see if they would let us stand back there in the open area so he'd at least have a little more privacy. On the way, a nice lady approached me (no doubt having seen Eric standing there looking very ill) and informed me that there was a bathroom in the back and it was open. Thank God! It was right off the open area where I wanted to stand. The stewardess said that they were getting the drink carts ready to go out but as soon as they moved out of that area, we could stand there. Eric didn't make it that long, but he went into that back bathroom and I squeezed into the corner so they could get their drink carts by.

The stewardesses were very nice. They WERE concerned about the whole Africa/illness thing, but when I explained that he had eaten a steak, medium-rare, and that we were pretty sure that was the problem, they relaxed. She said that they are required to be on the look out for any communicable illnesses during the flight. She kept checking with us to see if we needed anything. I said, "do you have Diet Coke?". She laughed. They did! yahoo! FINALLY! She said that she knew we were from America because us Americans love our pop. :-) That we do! She gave me a Ginger Ale for Eric. When I checked on him, he looked very bad. He was literally covered with big drops of sweat. I toweled him off and gave him a little bit of the Ginger Ale. This was going to be a LONG flight!

On the bright side, because I stood so much, my back didn't hurt hardly at all on the way home and I didn't even take any muscle relaxers! I was so tired, I was afraid that if I did, I'd pass out! After Eric finally recovered a little, we ventured back to our seats. The rest of the flight was a little touch and go, as we hit turbulence (of course!) for the last 20 minutes of the flight, just at the same time that they served dinner -- chicken fajita roll things that smelled....BAD! Poor Eric, every time a smell wafted his way, he'd get a panicked look on his face and cover his face with his sweat hirt. Oy.

We made it to Canada, had another layover, then made it home to Pittsburgh around dinner time that night. Eric didn't get sick anymore until we were home. I started feeling rough and getting the shakes when we hit Canada, but I never got sick -- thank goodness! We were both SO HAPPY to climb into our comfy bed that night!!

The kids were at my parent's house. Since their school district was still on strike, they were able to go down early for Thanksgiving. It was nice for Eric and I to have a night at home to recover and sleep before jumping back into life at home. We unpacked, repacked, and ran a few errands the next morning and hopped into the car to drive to Maryland to celebrate Thanksgiving. We had a LOT to be thankful for!!

Praise God from whom all blessings flow!!