Eric's and Lori's Birthday Wish List: Water

Warning: This post may seem presumptuous,
but it's a risk we're willing to take.
:-)

As most of you know, we're leaving in NINE days to go back to Ethiopia to pick up Markos and bring him home. We are so very excited to go back to Ethiopia - not just to get Markos, but also to be in Ethiopia again, to travel around and see more of the country, to learn more of the culture, and meet more of the people. There is a part of me that finds it strange that I have such a strong desire to go back to a place that broke my heart the last time I was there; a place where I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, I will have my heart broken all over again.

When I look through the pictures from our first trip, in the background of many of the pictures that we took driving through the city -- the CAPITAL city -- I see large yellow plastic water jugs being carried. Being carried by children. Being carried by the elderly. Being carried by women. Being carried up roads so steep that I truly thought that the van we were riding in was NEVER going to make it. Water. Walking and walking for water. And this was in the capital!

On our next trip, we will travel south. South, not quite to where Markos lived, but far enough out to get the idea of how he lived. In rural Ethiopia, women and/or children sometimes walk for hours to get water. Miles & miles to fill that yellow jug with water. Then, they get up the next day and do it again. And the water they walk to get is not clean. It is teeming with parasites and bacteria. It sickens and kills. Here's a few statistics:

• More than 1/2 of Africa has no access to safe drinking water.
• 76% of Ethiopians have no access to safe drinking water.
• Every 19 seconds, a child dies from unsafe water and lack of basic sanitation facilities.

I prayed that I'd be changed by what I saw in Ethiopia, and I have been. What I fear is that I will forget and that I will come home to my nice, cushy, American life and forget. That I will become complacent and happy to keep the news turned off and my blinders on, so I don't have to have my heart broken. But, I certainly hope that doesn't happen.

One thing that became convictingly clear while we were there the first time, was how very much we have, how very little we need (if anything!), but how very much others elsewhere in the world need. And need to SURVIVE. Not to be more comfortable, not to be "happier", not to live an easier life, but need simply to LIVE. And, so, after struggling to get through Christmas this year with this painful knowledge, Eric and I have decided that we absolutely WILL be giving up our birthdays this year. (This is where the slightly presumptuous part comes in!)

As you might know, I turn 40 the day that we leave Ethiopia to come home with Markos. I'm not having a big party (and have threatened Eric's life re: any surprise parties!). I don't want gifts. I don't even want cards. What I want is for you all to donate to the well that we will be sponsoring through Charity:Water. Each campaign lasts for 90 days, so we will start around my birthday and end around Eric's birthday -- thereby giving up both of our birthdays!

I will send more information later, but for now, please know that we have all that we need and so much more. Our heart's desire is that all the beautiful people in Africa would have at least the simple basic necessity of clean water. That other little boys like Markos will not have their mother, brother, and sister die from disease caused by the unclean water that they were drinking, thereby forcing their father to relinquish them for adoption.

We hope to raise $5,000 which will cover the cost of drilling a well in Africa, supply a rural village with clean water for 20 years, and train the local men to drill and maintain the well! $20 will provide one person with clean water for 20 years!! That means that with the cost of birthday cards and stamps these days, the sacrifice of 4 birthday cards will provide one person with clean water for 20 years. 100% of your donations to our Charity: Water campaign will go directly to the well drilling project, and in 2 years, we will receive the satellite coordinates to the well that was dug and be able to go to Google Earth and see the area where the well is located.

I know that some of you might also want to buy gifts for Markos when we get home, but again, we have all we need. Truly. Markos is already going to be overwhelmed with all the toys and such that he already has waiting for him here. Please save your money and give it to the well in honor of his family in Ethiopia instead.

OK, this was my little heads-up, we're going to be hitting you up, warning. :-) As I said, more information will be coming after we're home. Just wanted to catch you before you start sending those birthday cards, or buying birthday gifts (MOM!) ;-) Instead, watch the following video and begin praying about giving to our well!





For additional information about Charity: Water, go to:
http://www.charitywater.org/

Happy New Year, Happy News, Happy Birthday!

Well, it finally came -- our much-awaited travel email!! It's official. We are being submitted to attend a visa interview on January 25th at the U.S. Embassy in Ethiopia. Therefore, we will be flying out of Pittsburgh on January 18th! (Holy cow! That's only 15 days away.) We will have a free day in Ethiopia when we arrive because in order to get the flight schedule that we wanted on the way home when we have Markos with us, we had to fly in a day early.

If all goes as has typically gone with other travel groups, our schedule will be:

• Jan. 18th - leave Pittsburgh at some unGodly hour in the morning & fly all day & night to arrive in Addis Ababa, ET the next day
• Jan. 19th - arrive in Addis, check into the hotel, and hopefully do some sight-seeing, visit AHOPE, etc. for the day
• Jan. 20th - more sight-seeing, meet up with the other families that are arriving that day
• Jan. 21st - visit with Markos at the care center, talk with the nannies to learn his routine, etc.
• Jan. 22nd - spend more time with Markos at the care center
• Jan. 23rd - drive south, 6 hours, to Durame to meet with Markos' birth family
• Jan. 24th - return from Southern Ethiopia and take custody of Markos that evening
• Jan. 25th - attend our visa interview at the U.S. Embassy in Ethiopia
• Jan. 26th - attend farewell ceremony for Markos at the care center so he can say goodbye to his friends and the nannies that have cared for him this past year (sniffle, sniffle)
• Jan. 27th - collect Markos' completed visa packet from the U.S. Embassy that afternoon so we can fly out that night to bring him home -- ON MY 40th BIRTHDAY!!!
• Jan. 28th - arrive back in Pittsburgh with our new son
  

There couldn't be a better birthday present than to finally get to bring our new son home! Praise God for His provision, His timing, His goodness, and His faithfulness this past year as we've journeyed along this adoption path, and always!!

Additionally, we have talked with the families that we were fortunate to have traveled with for our court date and we are blessed to be traveling with ALL of them again this trip! I am so very happy to get to see them all again and spend time with them in Ethiopia with our new children!

Happy New Year!! And, what a happy birthday it will be!!

Attachment - Post 3 - Messing with 2 of my Favorite Things

Eating and sleeping -- two of my favorite things! Also, two of the most common problem areas for newly adopted kiddos. Change is possibly a comin' to our house. :-(

This is my bed. (Ignore the work table at the end of the bed. Although, as an adoption side note, it was there when our social worker came to do our home study. Apparently, Daniel excitedly exclaiming, "my dad and me are building a robot!" overrode her possible concerns about the table full of electronics in our bedroom because we received a favorable home study!)

Anyway... I LOVE my bed. Seriously. Nearly every night when I climb into this bed and cover up, I say (out loud), "I love this bed!". And not because I am exhausted (although I usually am), but because it is an awesome bed. And it's not just me. Eric does the same thing.

Eric and I shared a tiny little double bed for years. It barely fit in our bedroom with about a one foot wide path around it for us to walk in and attempt to open our dresser drawers. When we did the addition on the house, I had my 'must haves' - walk-in closets, large windows facing the sunset in our bedroom, ceiling fans, etc. Eric had only one 'must have'. It was a bedroom for us that was big enough for a king-sized bed. And so, our bedroom is now quite possibly the largest room in our house. And, our bed is awesome!

With our 2 biological kids, we were sticklers for sleep programs when they were old enough. We let them cry it out. We didn't enjoy the process and I distinctly remember sitting outside Mackenzie's door crying along with her. But, we insisted that they learn to fall asleep on their own. Solving Your Child's Sleep Problems by Ferber was my go-to book. And, quite frankly, we've always been really happy that we did. Both of our kids are GREAT sleepers now. Daniel has his moments where he still gets up and wanders into our room at night, but I generally take him right back to his bed and make him sleep there. (Remember, I love my bed and I love my sleep. Children tossing and turning and kicking me and laying all over me, not so much.)

Thankfully, we haven't had quite as many rules regarding food. We are not a family that requires all food to be kept at the table. Nor are we a family that is terribly controlling about the amounts that our kids eat or when. I breast-fed both kids on demand. No schedules. No limits. And, everyone was happy with that (except me when they seemed to ALWAYS want to nurse the second that my food was delivered when we were out at a restaurant, but that's a whole different issue).

Anyway, as Eric and I attended our mandatory adoption training classes, we learned all about attachment parenting and about what to expect when we bring Markos home. We learned about the common problem areas and they are eating and sleeping.

With regards to eating, many of these children have suffered hunger and thirst that we truly have never experienced and couldn't possibly understand. As a result, many will eat enormous amounts when they first arrive at your home. They have not always learned that there will be another meal in a few hours. They think they need to eat as much as they possibly can because who knows when they will get to eat again. Many children will also hide and hoard food. They will stash food in their rooms or shove their pockets full, again, because they might not have food later. Some will eat until they throw up. They have not learned to stop when they get that full feeling because they've never really had that full feeling before.

Other children will struggle with eating. The foods are different from what they are used to. Many have sensory aversions or poor motor coordination resulting from unpleasant feeding practices in the orphanages. Although I really believe that the children in the care center where Markos lives are loved and cared for amazingly well, I have seen their lunchtime. Regardless of how loving the nannies are, there is still the problem of 5 or 6 nannies trying to ensure that 40 kids eat. Kids who are suffering from malnutrition and who desperately need to eat. So, the nannies do force some of the kids to eat. They put huge bites in the kids mouths in a short amount of time. Just another negative orphanage necessity, I guess.

Like I said, we haven't ever been a terribly organized, scheduled sort of family when it comes to eating, so this area won't be too problematic for us -- or at least, it won't be too different for us! With all of Daniel's food allergies and eating issues, we're used to meal times taking forever. We're used to pickiness. We're used to having "grazers" for kids. So, allowing Markos to keep healthy foods with him at all times, to sleep with a bottle of water if it provides him with some security, to eat a lot or a little until he feels more safe is fine with us. No biggie.

Now the sleep thing, that's a whole other issue! We're prepared. We'll do what we have to do. But, as I said, I love my bed. I love my sleep. This may require a lot of prayer and supernatural strength from God. ;-)

Many of these children have never slept alone. They have not slept in the dark or in a quiet place. Their anxieties increase as they get tired. They may have experienced times where they were not safe at night. Some newly adopted kiddos from our agency have reported to their parents that wild dogs used to come into their village at night. Many have spent nights alone as young children. Many have lost parents, so how can they be sure that when they wake the next morning, their new parents will still be there. Some adoptive parents have shared that their new kiddos would literally refuse to sleep and would come into their room at night and just stand by their bed and stare at them all night. They would wake to find their child standing by their bed just watching them, afraid that they might leave. (Um, yea, that would be a tad disturbing to wake to in the middle of the night, every night!)

We are somewhat hopeful that because Markos will be sharing a room with Daniel, he will feel a little more safe. However, we are also prepared to allow him to sleep in our bed if necessary, or to move a mattress into our room, or to sleep in his room with him for a while. Whatever it takes for him to feel comfortable and safe. It won't go on forever, and thankfully, we do at least have a king-sized bed now, so our new tiny little peanut should fit just fine in there with Eric and I. We'll just hope he's not a squirmy sleeper like Daniel!

Mixed Emotions this Christmas

I've been feeling a little sad lately. I really wanted Markos home with us before Christmas. I wanted to see his face light up like my other kids' faces when he walked down the stairs Christmas morning. I wanted to see his eyes twinkle as he looks at the lights and trees and decorations galore. But, he won't be here. He'll be in an orphanage on the other side of the world, not celebrating Christmas on December 25th. They celebrate Ethiopian Christmas on January 7th. I'm not sure how much or what celebrating they do in the orphanage, if any.

I'm glad I did the majority of our Christmas shopping before we went to Ethiopia at the end of November, because after seeing the things that I saw there, it's been hard to go out and shop. Hard to literally wrack my brain to think of something, anything to buy for people. Things that they don't need, might not like, might not even use. Why am I buying this STUFF?!

It's been hard to keep fielding the questions, "what do you want for Christmas?", "what do the kids need for Christmas?". NOTHING!! Seriously, the answer is nothing. They NEED nothing. I NEED nothing. I want nothing. How could I want for more after seeing the extreme poverty in Ethiopia. We've got what we NEED: food, water, a place to live, safety, health, access to medical care. Half a world away, there are millions of people who don't even have these basics. That's what I want for Christmas, for them to have the basics. And for my son to be home with us so he can have the basics and so much more.

Attachment - Post 2 - What is it and why is it a big deal?

Attachment is a special form of emotional relationship between a child and a significant person or persons. Attachment involves mutuality, comfort, and safety for both individuals in the relationship. Bonding is any activity, action or behavior that helps establish or maintain a relationship. Attachment develops after repeated experiences of an infant having their needs met by a loving, reliable caregiver who is emotionally attuned to the infant’s needs.

With our biological children, this process began in the womb and continued as soon as they were born. They would cry. We would jump. If their diaper was wet, we would change them. If they were hungry, I would nurse them. If they cried, we would comfort and attempt to soothe them. With orphaned children, however, this process is interrupted somewhere along the line. In an orphanage, they cry but no one responds. When they were hungry, there was not always food to feed them. When they cried, their momma or daddy wasn't there to comfort them. You get the point.

Because these adopted children have not developed this trust, this security, this feeling of safety, they are affected socially, emotionally, psychologically, and biologically. When they join their new forever family, regardless of their age at adoption, a parenting style that promotes attachment and fosters lifelong bonds must be embraced. This is done by the new parents becoming the child’s primary providers, especially during the transition period.

The child must learn that when they have a need, their new mommy or daddy will meet it. When they are hurt, their new mommy or daddy will care and will help them. When they are hungry, their new mommy or daddy will give them food. When they are scared, they can trust their new mommy or daddy to keep them safe. This takes time. It takes effort.

The parent needs to meet their child’s physical and emotional needs as much as possible. Food should be associated with comfort, so parents are instructed not to stop bottle-feeding or encourage independent feeding. Instead, it is advised that they “regress” the child. If adopting a young toddler, they are encouraged to go back to bottle feeding. If adopting an older toddler, to hold the child in their lap and feed them by hand. Allowing the child to sleep in their parent’s bed, sleeping in the child’s room with them, or putting their mattress in the parent’s room, until he feels safe at night is encouraged. Carrying the child, holding hands, or baby-wearing - anything that promotes closeness and bonding - is recommended. Essentially, in every way possible, as often as possible, the new parents should meet the child’s needs so that the child will learn to trust in this new relationship.

Because many orphans have been in situations where they have had many different caregivers, they learn to indiscriminately seek care from whatever adults happen to be around. They will “shop” for a new family - smiling and seeking attention from whoever happens to be near. Because of this, it is advised that visitors are restricted during the initial transition time. Additionally, physical contact will be limited and indiscriminate friendliness will be discouraged. For the most part, hugs and kisses will need to be reserved for mommy, daddy, sister and brother at first.

We know that when this cute little boy of ours smiles and holds his arms out for Grammy or Pappy or Nannie or some visiting friend to pick him up and hold him, they will melt and want nothing more than to snatch that little cutie up and snuggle him. But, this can be damaging to the bond that we, as his parents, will be trying to develop. If Markos falls and bumps his knee, we need to be the ones to hold him and comfort him, to bandage the scrape, and kiss the boo-boo. If he is hungry or thirsty, he needs to know that we will provide for him.

This will not be forever, just until attachments are formed. Once the immediate relationships are built within our home, expanding concentric circles of relationships will extend out from our family unit. Grandparents, cousins, aunt & uncle.....close friends and other relatives....other friends and neighbors. Again, you get the idea.

We know you’ll all love Markos and want to come visit - much like when Mackenzie and Daniel were born. But, understand that this situation will be different, so please don't be offended if we politely ask you to keep your visit short, if we won't allow you to give Markos food or to pick him up or hold him when you visit. It won't be forever. Rest assured, someday in the future, I'll be asking you to babysit. :-)

Attachment - What you need to understand

Although we don't have "official" travel notice yet, the countdown is on. There is still a chance that we could receive word on Monday or Tuesday that we have been submitted for the December 28th embassy appointment. That is very unlikely, but it could happen. The 1st embassy appointment in January has definitely been canceled due to Ethiopian Christmas. So, the most likely case is that we will leave on or around January 19th to travel for the January 25th embassy appointment, returning to the US with Markos on my 40th birthday! What an amazing birthday present! In that case, we leave in 39 days to go pick up our son. In the meantime, there are things that our friends and family need to understand. Things about our son. Things about our parenting him. Things that are DIFFERENT from what you know about "good parenting practices" and that are different from how we parent Mackenzie and Daniel. I know that you're all in the midst of busy Christmas preparations, so I am hoping to just post a few short posts that you will have time to read over the next few weeks before we bring Markos home. This is the first. To get you thinking about what Markos will be going through/have gone through, please read the following story. A Different Perspective Immense Loss; Walk a Mile in Baby’s Booties Imagine for a moment… You have met the person you've dreamed about all your life. He has every quality that you desire in a spouse. You plan for the wedding, enjoying every free moment with your fiancée. You love his touch, his smell, the way he looks into your eyes. For the first time in your life, you understand what is meant by "soul mate," for this person understands you in a way that no one else does. Your heart beats in rhythm with his. Your emotions are intimately tied to his every joy, his every sorrow. The wedding comes. It is a happy celebration, but the best part is that you are finally the wife of this wonderful man. You fall asleep that night, exhausted from the day's events, but relaxed and joyful in the knowledge that you are next to the person who loves you more than anyone in the world…the person who will be with you for the rest of your life. The next morning you wake up, nestled in your partner's arms. You open your eyes and immediately look for his face. But IT'S NOT HIM! You are in the arms of another man. You recoil in horror. Who is this man? Where is your beloved? You ask questions of the new man, but it quickly becomes apparent that he doesn't understand you. You search every room in the house, calling and calling for your husband. The new guy follows you around, trying to hug you, pat you on the back,...even trying to stroke your arm, acting like everything is okay. But you know that nothing is okay. Your beloved is gone. Where is he? Will he return? When? What has happened to him? Weeks pass. You cry and cry over the loss of your beloved. Sometimes you ache silently, in shock over what has happened. The new guy tries to comfort you. You appreciate his attempts, but he doesn't speak your language-either verbally or emotionally. He doesn't seem to realize the terrible thing that has happened...that your sweetheart is gone. You find it difficult to sleep. The new guy tries to comfort you at bedtime with soft words and gentle touches, but you avoid him, preferring to sleep alone, away from him and any intimate words or contact. Months later, you still ache for your beloved, but gradually you are learning to trust this new guy. He's finally learned that you like your coffee black, not doctored up with cream and sugar. Although you still don't understand his bedtime songs, you like the lilt of his voice and take some comfort in it. More time passes. One morning, you wake up to find a full suitcase sitting next to the front door. You try to ask him about it, but he just takes you by the hand and leads you to the car. You drive and drive and drive. Nothing is familiar. Where are you? Where is he taking you? You pull up to a large building. He leads you to an elevator and up to a room filled with people. Many are crying. Some are ecstatic with joy. You are confused. And worried. The man leads you over to the corner. Another man opens his arms and sweeps you up in an embrace. He rubs your back and kisses your cheeks, obviously thrilled to see you. You are anything but thrilled to see him. Who in the world is he? Where is your beloved? You reach for the man who brought you, but he just smiles (although he seems to be tearing up, which concerns you), pats you on the back, and puts your hand in the hands of the new guy. The new guy picks up your suitcase and leads you to the door. The familiar face starts openly crying, waving and waving as the elevator doors close on you and the new guy. The new guy drives you to an airport and you follow him, not knowing what else to do. Sometimes you cry, but then the new guy tries to make you smile, so you grin back, wanting to "get along." You board a plane. The flight is long. You sleep a lot, wanting to mentally escape from the situation. Hours later, the plane touches down. The new guy is very excited and leads you into the airport where dozens of people are there to greet you. Light bulbs flash as your photo is taken again and again. The new guy takes you to another guy who hugs you. Who is this one? You smile at him. Then you are taken to another man who pats your back and kisses your cheek. Then yet another fellow gives you a big hug and messes your hair. Finally, someone (which guy is this?) pulls you into his arms with the biggest hug you've ever had. He kisses you all over your cheeks and croons to you in some language you've never heard before. He leads you to a car and drives you to another location. Everything here looks different. The climate is not what you're used to. The smells are strange. Nothing tastes familiar, except for the black coffee. You wonder if someone told him that you like your coffee black. You find it nearly impossible to sleep. Sometimes you lie in bed for hours, staring into the blackness, furious with your husband for leaving you, yet aching from the loss. The new guy checks on you. He seems concerned and tries to comfort you with soft words and a mug of warm milk. You turn away, pretending to go to sleep. People come to the house. You can feel the anxiety start to bubble over as you look into the faces of all the new people. You tightly grasp the new guy's hand. He pulls you closer. People smile and nudge one other, marveling at how quickly you've fallen in love. Strangers reach for you, wanting to be a part of the happiness. Each time a man hugs you, you wonder if he will be the one to take you away. Just in case, you keep your suitcase packed and ready. Although the man at this house is nice and you're hanging on for dear life, you've learned from experience that men come and go, so you just wait in expectation for the next one to come along. Each morning, the new guy hands you a cup of coffee and looks at you expectantly. A couple of times the pain and anger for your husband is so great that you lash out, sending hot coffee across the room, causing the new guy to yelp in pain. He just looks at you, bewildered. But most of the time you calmly take the cup. You give him a smile. And wait. And wait. And wait. --Written by Cynthia Hockman-Chupp, analogy courtesy of Dr. Kali Miller

Very Powerful - Please watch